Why do women wear white on their wedding day? So they will
match the stove and
fridge!
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a womens sex drive by 90 percent....Wedding cake!!!
In the beginning .......God created earth and rested. Then
God created man and
rested. then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run
95% quieter? Yeah,
it fits right over her mouth.
Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand
closer to the sink
My ex-wife and I have our alimony set up on the easy payment
plan. I make the
payment and she takes it easy.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week, it took
four State Troopers
and a dog.
Husband: Where do you want to go on holiday this year?
Wife: I want to go somewhere I've never been before.
Husband: Well, how about the kitchen?
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the crap
out of you.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from
achieving them. -Dumas
I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know
your name..."
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women
won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on
Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at
him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on
their hind legs.
Men have their faults. But women have only two.
Everything they say. And everything they do.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your
going to want to
shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first?
The Dog, of course...at least he'll shut up after you let
him in!
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Do you know what it means when you come home to a little
affection, a little
tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the
wrong house.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship? She cooks- I eat;
she cleans/I dirty;
she irons/I wrinkle.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you
can tell them apart.


Why did God create women?
To carry Sperm from the bedroom to the toilet

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of
true love?
The swallow

How do you annoy your girlfriend whilst having sex?
Phone her

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does whilst a man is fucking her

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use lubricant

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None let the bitch cook in the dark

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she has been told twice already

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it in

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at
you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on
your dick

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch
sleeps with everyone at the party except you

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years your job still sucks

What's the difference between love, true love and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it

Why did the woman cross the road?
What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first
place

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep into the bush, shoot more than
once and they eat what they shoot

Why are there no female astronaughts on the moon?
Cuz it doesn't need cleaning yet